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XV. Nihilism

Posted in: by Moon Elf on August 09, 2009

For the most part, I considered myself a Nihilist when I left and for many years that followed. I had lost faith in Christianity and did not find anything else that seemed appropriate to adopt as a new belief system. I began to take a stern skeptical approach to everything, even convincing myself that all of my experiences must have a rational explanation even if I didn’t know what that was. I became more or less a materialist in that I no longer believed anything supernatural existed and that everything had to do with mental psychology and nothing more. I had all but forgotten most of the experiences recounted here. When I first arrived in my new state of residence though, I was a bit superstitious still in that I began to dabble with my own intuitive version of occult practices. I became desperate one night and performed a ritual to bring myself a mate in which I carved an ankh on my arm with a knife. It wasn’t deep enough to leave a permanent scar though I thought it would. I was too much of a wimp and was afraid of actually doing serious harm if I pushed too hard with the blade but it was enough to draw blood. It was very simple and was done alone with black candles and incense as the setting. Something in my mind, as if the same Goddess I felt earlier in life, told me that my ‘true’ mate could not come to me now and that it simply was not time. I was stubborn, selfish, and rather forlorn at the time so I would not accept no for an answer. The voice in my head said it would not turn out good though it might seem perfect at first but it was not meant to be but that I would get what I asked for, in part to satiate my emotional need, as I was still a bit manic over the broken engagement though I’d had other girlfriends since.

I soon met a girl that I spent about four and a half years with. The first two years seemed practically perfect, even though we were both in our drug stages. However, communication became much separated and the latter half of our time together was a perpetual emotional whirlwind. Needless to say, we eventually split up. The blood ankh ritual never even came to my mind until about two or three years after I was married to my current wife who is enough younger than myself that I could not have dated her at the time of the ritual as I was only eighteen and she would have only been about ten. During that phase of my life I expanded my sci-fi and fantasy reading to include some horror, specifically vampire fiction and some cyber-fiction. I distracted myself with many things, mostly media oriented, and collectables. Also during this time, I had an unexplained fear of spiders and when I’d find them in the apartment I’d take an aerosol can and a cigarette lighter and torch them. I would also, on rare occasions, have strange dreams with spiders in them. I’d dream of vicious, poisonous, harmful spiders but all of these dreams were mostly rare.

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