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IX. Night and Day

Posted in: by Moon Elf on August 09, 2009

I had went to my parent’s for Christmas and returned to the Naval base. I was feeling very depressed, even suicidal at the time, and I began wearing all black when in civilian clothes. I had never heard of a ‘Goth’ scene before and I don’t think anybody had a name for it yet at the time to be honest, but I’d begun going to a gothic teen club around this time, hoping to meet someone else to take my mind off things or just to go dancing, since it was so forbidden by my mother and her religion. I became a very anti-Christian and angst filled teenager. I met lots of fun and interesting people and became familiar with lots more music than the New Wave I had to sneak to listen to at my parent’s house. During the day I wore Navy whites and at night I wore Gothic blacks. I was completely living a dual lifestyle, at least for a teenager of eighteen. Eventually, this began to bleed over and get me into trouble. I use to, in complete rebellious attitude, get dressed for my club nights in my room on base, including make-up, hip belts, etc. and go strolling with my non-regulation haircut hanging down to the tip of my nose, short in back, and unmilitary like attire, tall boots with a dog chain, earrings, necklaces, and bracelets, to my car and then drive off. I was practically daring to get busted, looking for an excuse for confrontation. Eventually, it found me and I was sent to a senior officer to explain myself. When I did, he was taken aback by my personal emotional struggle and referred me to the naval chaplain. The chaplain laughed at me and told me to kill myself if that’s what I felt like doing. I hated him, his god, and his religion! I told him quite plainly to go fuck himself and slammed his office door leaving the surrounding officers all very nervous looking when I left the building. I thought for sure I’d be sent to court marshal. This didn’t happen. Instead, my immediate supervisor called me in to talk but he couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all. He thought I was just, “looking for attention”, but instead I was angry and dressed the way I did to keep the people away from me that might otherwise harass me. Growing up in high school, like many in the Goth scene, ‘jocks and preps’ were not the nicest people to anyone who’s parents didn’t have as much money as they did or who was a computer geek or who read books for fun. Needless to say, these next few years turned toward societal issues and personal clicks rather typical of teens. I should probably have been growing out of this rather than falling into it at my age. Luckily, it didn’t take long for me to begin to notice the hypocrisy here as the Goths were casting as much judgment on others and treating them as outsiders as we had complained about others doing to us. This is all stated just to give the backdrop for the next events which took place.

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